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Men too:
unspoken truths about male sexual abuse
On being raped
by Raymond M Douglas
1)
be assailed by many assailants, not one. (because a man
is so strong, there's no way he could possibly be assaulted by one person)
Rape is not always physical violence, and often times a victim would be in a
situation where they would not expect it or freeze or was threatened with a
weapon. It’s not simple as just a bunch of guys just jumping at you and then
assaulting you like you see in Shawshank redemption. Sometimes it is, sometimes
it’s not but always the rape can happen even from a single assailant. It’s sad
that it implies that a man must be physically strong that he can prevent an
attack. No matter how strong you are, you can still be raped because it’s not a
matter of strength.
2)
he must resist and be beaten half to death. (because a
rape isn't a rape unless he is bleeding and cut and bruised everywhere)
two problems with this. One is that the idea a man has to fight tooth and
nail to avoid the assault. Don’t get me wrong, he should do what he can to get
out and even fight, but the message was that they think he should die. Second
was that rape isn’t always physical violence. It still counts as rape even when
you’re not brusied head to toe.
3)
he must not be having any willingness on his part from
his assailant (oral or Anal) (Because after all, trying to survive means you
wanted it)
If I give you tea and you didn’t want it. I punch you and demand you to
drink it. You still didn’t want it. So I beat you and threaten you. You drink
the tea out of FEAR, not willingness. Just because someone does something their
rapist tells them doesn’t mean they are willing. Those who didn’t fight back or
just tolerated it are not willing participants and it doesn’t make it not rape.
There’s a lot of factors that go into this; confusion, freezing, hopelessness
(like this been an ongoing assault) and more.
4)
Must be straight (because gay men always wanted to be
raped)
It’s homophobic to assume that gay men always wanted sex, just as it’s
misandrist to assume that men in general always want sex too. Whether the
victim is gay or straight, it’s still rape and still just as valid as any
female victim of rape. Implying that a man violated by another man makes him
gay leaves a negative connotation due to cultural bias against gays and it also
makes him unable to disclose his trauma.
5)
he must not be in prison (because male inmates who are
raped don't matter)
We hear all too often of rape jokes in movies and tv shows, so people never
look at the victims of rape in prison seriously and think it’s funny or
deserving because they were inmates. Never mind that they could be innocent or
their crime was a minor crime. No one deserves to be raped in prison (Or
anywhere for that matter). and what is worse is that people working in those
departments don’t care and don’t think it’s worth doing anything to stop it.
Whether a man is raped in prison or not, it still matters and they still
deserve to be heard and supported.
6)
no involuntary physiological reactions; no erection or
ejaculation. (Because if you have a hard on, you must have wanted it.)
People forget that body response to stimuli, having an erection is not a
sign of consent or willingness or enjoyment. Female victims get wet, but it
doesn’t mean she enjoyed it either. What is sad and troubling was that in those
cases when it does happen it makes the victim feel like their body “betrayed
them.” But it didn’t. they’re not at fault and they are not asking for it or
enjoying it.
7)
Afterwards, he must go about his business like nothing
happened and never speak of it again. (after all, society doesn't want to
acknowledge men.)
Society expects men to be stoic, never fearing anything or expressing
anything of an emotion and never talking about anything he went through. This
needs to change. We shouldn’t silence male victims and we should be supporting
and doing something to end this.
Here are things that are myths written in Men too: Unspoken truth about
sexual abuse
1.
That you are alone or that no one would believe you.
2.
That you are the only male that has ever been abused by
a family member, teacher, pastor, police officer, fellow prisoner, and so on.
3.
That you asked for it, invited it or are responsible
for it happening.
4.
That having an erection or ejaculating means you
consented or enjoyed being abused.
5.
That even thought you were young, you were mature
enough to consent to sexual behaviors.
6.
That it was your job to fight harder or stop it.
7.
That “real men” never turn down sex
8.
That you are to blame for the continuation of abuse
9.
That it’s not ok to talk about your thoughts, emotions
or your abuse
10. That
your abuse determined your sexual orientation or “made” you gay.
I add in a few of my own.
1)
Men always want sex.
2)
Only men rape
3)
Women can’t be rapists
4)
If he is raped, then he lost his manhood and is now a
woman.
5)
You must be lucky to be with a hot female teacher.
Here are things people should take into consideration
1)
Men get raped in prison, military, at home, outside, in
cars, schools, churches and more. It happened far too often to men.
2)
Women are just as capable of rape. Use of weapons, use
of drugs or alcohol, trapping them in compromised position, threaten to accuse
them of rape while raping him herself, using objects and more.
3)
Teenage boys being sexually violated or raped by female
teachers is not “lucky.” Your own sexual fantasy is not reality or acceptable.
Even if the boy had a crush on an older woman, it does not mean she should
assault him. It’s not an open invitation to rape him.
4)
Men sometimes freeze or couldn’t say no. it leads to
self blame and guilt, but it’s never their fault and they shouldn’t be shamed
for it. Freezing is a defense mechanism, it couldn’t always be helped.
Sometimes even saying no could only result in further abuse. Just because they
didn’t stop it further didn’t mean they wanted it or it’s their fault.
Especially when it happens to young boys.
5)
It’s a myth that boys who are sexually assaulted would
grow up to be rapists or pedophiles. Many may have messed up perception about
relationships and may not have a healthy relationship, but’s not always the
case and it doesn’t usually lead to that. Even when you have offenders that
said they were abused, it’s usually a tiny margin of victims of abuse. Most
abused victims don’t become abusers.
6)
An age old lie is that a boy could become gay if he was
sexually assaulted or raped by a male adult. You can’t turn gay, not by abuse
or anything. It’s sad how some people still push this disgusting lie.
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