Before I found this book, "On Being Raped" by Raymond M. Douglass, I was trying to research male victims of rape. However, I wasn't having much luck. Society still perpetuates the harmful stereotype that men cannot be victims of rape; only women can be victims. I stumbled upon this book in Elliot Bay Book Co. in Seattle, WA, almost as if someone had intentionally hidden it between two larger books. I decided to purchase it, curious about its content and unsure if I would ever encounter it again.
After reading it, I felt deeply for the author and the traumatic experience he endured. It's essential that we shed light on the reality of male rape and sexual assault to provide support for victims and challenge societal misconceptions.
"There is only one rape that I can claim to know about with any degree of authority, and that is my own." Raymond M. Douglass. 1^
On page 8, Douglass expresses the frustration of people jumping to assumptions about his experience, such as "he should have known this was going to happen" or "how could he be so stupid." Those who think this way believe they have some insight simply because they've watched horror movies. However, rape is real life. Perpetrators don't broadcast their intentions. They wait in secrecy, gain your trust, and strike when you're vulnerable. Sometimes they use drugs, threats, or coercion. You will never see it coming, no matter how prepared you think you are. 2^
on page 11, When in a fight or flight response, you don't think or strategize; you react to escape danger. Douglass recounts being pinned down by his rapist and unable to fight back, despite what people might assume. Rapists are clever and cunning, using any means to overpower their victims. 3^
On page 36, Douglass discusses the reluctance of male victims to report their rapes to the police. Even if they do, they face leading and dismissive questions, implying that the victim is at fault or that the rape didn't "really" happen. Given this, it's unsurprising that Douglass didn't report his rape. Society still refuses to acknowledge that men and boys can be victims of rape. 4^
This was especially true in the time of Douglass's rape, when homosexuality was illegal. Even though he is straight, the male-on-male nature of the assault meant the police and church would likely assume he was gay and thus culpable. The church might even see him as having "committed a sin" with his rapist. 5^
The real trouble is that even after being raped, there's are still very good chance no one will believe, even if you went to the police. imagine if you did. You get all sorts of questions, though necessary and understandable, but it becomes leading and dismissive; did anybody witness this? Is there any mark on you? why did you stay there? Oh, did they make you do this or that? No? How interesting. And so on. So he did not go to the police. I'm sure some people would blame him for that, ignoring that he just explained in his book, the more he looked at it, it's not going to be easy to prove anything and they won't do anything.
"But I came to understand that the priest had not freed me in error. He had let me go because he knew i could do no harm to him."
Which is sadly true. Especially in this day and age, whether it's today or decades ago or even centuries ago, no one will believe men can be victims and rapists know this.
Also, one must understand that in the time he was raped, homosexuality is illegal, even though he is not gay, the rape was male to male and it wouldn't matter to the police or even to the church, if a man rapes you, you must be gay so you should be punished. Even though again, he is straight.
Even for a church, they would see this as "absolving you for the sin on your part as he 'committed with him'." as if he participated in this willingly or something. And keep in mind too that this is the time homosexuality is considered illegal and a sin. what happened with the priest? they sent him on a retreat.
Let me say here, I'm not surprised as churches have no ill will towards rapists and even pedophiles, as they are very protective of them.
It's important to know how the rape affects men, as it may be the same for women; aversion to things that reminds them of rape, not wanting to be touched, nightmares that are very vivid and frequent.
The effects of rape on men are similar to those on women: avoidance of triggers, aversion to touch, vivid and frequent nightmares. Yet, Douglass faced dismissal and invalidation from people in his life. Counselors even asked if he was sexually assaulting others, implying that male victims become perpetrators. Some suggested he needed to "come to terms with his homosexuality," as if being raped by a man conclusively proved his sexual orientation. 6^
It's very upsetting how there are people in his life that disregard how he was feeling and what happened to him. for instance; being told to "keep up to date about his coming, drinking and whatnot." no victim of rape want anything to do with their rapist, as he stated himself.
When he was seeing counselors, they would ask him this; "Did you sexually assault some one else or are you doing that now?" Vampire syndrome. Because to them, men who are sexually assaulted or rape become sex abusers or rapists themselves. it's a dangerous mindset to have because it demonizes the male victims and it makes people fearful of what isn't there.
He had also been told before, "i don't care what fantasy you give yourself, you need to come to terms with your homosexuality." It's very obvious that he doesn't believe that 1) men can be raped and 2) since it was by another man it has to be homosexuality. After all, no gay man could ever turn down sex. (I'm being sarcastic, if anyone's wondering.)
Even when there are some men who raped or sexually assaulted who were themselves raped or sexually assaulted, I don't know what was the reason behind it or what, but to paint all male victims with one brushstroke is not helpful.
Douglass notes that even if male victims feel emasculated, it stems from societal expectations of male toughness, not from the assault itself. Rape does not lessen a man's masculinity. We need to challenge the belief that rape only happens to women and that men are always perpetrators. 7^
Volunteers at a shelter Douglass visited said things like, "If you genuinely cared about the problem of rape, you would choose to remain silent so as not to distract attention from the real victims." This mindset is deeply harmful. Male victims should never be silenced or made to feel that their experiences are less important. Rape is rape, regardless of gender. 8^
Society has unrealistic expectations for what constitutes "legitimate" male rape: a victim must be assaulted by multiple attackers, put up a significant fight, suffer severe injuries, and never experience an erection or ejaculation. If he's gay, he must have wanted it. If he's in prison, his rape doesn't count. And he should be able to immediately forget the trauma and move on. 9^
A volunteer at some shelter he was at stated to him, "if he genuinely cared about the problem of rape, he would chose to remain silent so as to not distract attention from the real victims."
I believe that anyone who says that sort of thing should never be allowed as a volunteer at some shelter. Never should any victim, male or female, be silent from their trauma they faced. His rape is just as real and important as women who are raped as well. This is not a zero sum game, not a one-up manship, not an either or. He's just as a real and important as female victims too.
It is sad how for a man to be considered actual victim of rape, he must be;
1) be assailed by many assailants, not one. (because a man is so strong, there's no way he could possibly be assaulted by one person)
2) he must resist and be beaten half to death. (because a rape isn't a rape unless he is bleeding and cut and bruised everywhere)
3) he must not be having any willingness on his part from his assailant (oral or Anal) (Because after all, trying to survive means you wanted it)
4) Must be straight (because gay men always wanted to be raped)
5) he must not be in prison (because male inmates who are raped don't matter)
6) no involuntary physiological reactions; no erection or ejaculation. (Because if you have a hard on, you must have wanted it.)
7) Afterwards, he must go about his business like nothing happened and never speak of it again. (after all, society doesn't want to acknowledge men.)
page 64 - 65. "men, straight or gay, who are raped are not literally feminized; they must and will continue to live in the world, in a man's body, and will participate in a society for better or for worse will remain gender based (however fluid those categories may become in the future)."
page 68
"It ought to go without saying, but clearly doesn't, that responding physically to a sexual assault, whether through erection, lubrication, or orgasm, indicates precisely nothing about one's sexual identity or degree of consent. for men and women alike, such reactions may not be characteristics, but neither are they at all uncommon. their only significance ought to be that attempts by rapists to elicit them in the hope of confusing their victim about the degree of coercion involved in the assault - as unfortunately successfully occurs in too many instances - should be considered an aggravating factor when passing sentence. Cats that have been seriously injured by farm machinery sometimes purr afterward. That doesn't mean they enjoy it."
This paragraph in his book right here is something people need to take into consideration. Too many times people act like if a victim has an erection or is lubricating, the must be enjoying it. No they do not and to say that is to be compliant with the rapist as well. It's also important to understand that the body response to stimulation, it doesn't matter if they were sexually wanting it or not. As he said, it was to make their victim confused. I'm heard it on many occasions, "I feel as if my body betrayed me."
No, your body didn't betray you and you're never at fault. It's important that we understand this and be of support instead of shame or victim blaming.
Douglass emphasizes that rape does not literally feminize men. They will continue to live as men in a society structured around gender. 10^ He also stresses that physiological responses to sexual assault, such as erection or orgasm, do not indicate consent or enjoyment. The body reacts to stimulation, regardless of the traumatic nature of the act. Rapists may exploit this to confuse their victims. 11^
I can empathize with victims of rape, but I can't truly know their experience. Healing is a complex, individual journey that requires compassion and understanding. It's not about "getting over it," as the trauma can be long-lasting. 12^
Douglass writes, "Rape victims are not 'broken' individuals who need fixing or sick persons in need of healing. They are hurt women and men who need compassion in the face of grievous misfortune. Some of them won't get over it, no matter how hard they try. I don't know what compelling reasons exist to make them feel that they have to." 13^
He concludes, "A start has to be made somewhere. This is my attempt at one." 14^ I hope to build on his start by raising awareness of male rape and challenging harmful stereotypes. I strongly recommend "On Being Raped" to anyone who wants to understand the reality of male sexual victimization.
(p. 108)
I won't pretend I know anything about victims of rape, because there's still a lot to learn. I can try to envision myself in their shoe, but it would just be an outsider watching from a bird-eye view. It would be a hell of a difference if I have actually been raped.
How one goes about healing through is a difficult subject and requires great care of understanding and support. I don't believe one can get over it, as it's not something like getting struck in the shin. It hurts like the dickens, but it does go away and get better. But rape is perhaps forever. the trauma and how it affects you in day to day life is what they have to go through.Eeach deals with it in different ways, so not all is the same.
Which is also why I have been trying to write this blog and been writing my story, to bring awareness of male victims of rape and sexual assault.
page 86 "rape victims are not "broken" individuals who need fixing. or sick persons in need of healing. they are hurt women and men who need compassion in the face of grievous misfortune. Some of them won't get over it, no matter how hard they try. I don't know what compelling reasons exist to make them feel that they have to."
pg 108 "a start has to be made somewhere. this is my attempt at one."
And I hope I can be of a help to make this kindle become a bonfire and get more people aware of this and the seriousness of this. He had also wrote in short segments of male victims to demonstrate that this is truly happening and we're not taking this seriously.
I would strongly recommend people read the book, "on being raped" by Raymond M Douglass. There's a lot more he said there. I'm highlighting the very important message i believe needed to be said. and i hope we can make it known and never let this go silent.
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