Chapter
4
Rape
Why
does this concern me and why should it matter to me? Because it exists, it
happens to men as it does to women.
Everywhere
you look; billboards talk about female victims of DV, human trafficking, SA,
and rape. Pushing the narrative that men are abusers, rapists and pedophiles. A
small minority of men commit those crimes and a small number of women do too.
It’s a human issue and yet society treats it like it only happens to women,
never men. It’s not a wonder why men don’t report their abuse, their rape to
anybody.
Crime
documentaries talk about female rape victims almost always but never mention a
single male victim of rape. Law and order and CSI touch on that sometimes, but
no one seems to be too concerned. Male victims of DV, SA, and rape happened a
lot more often than people realize, but crime shows never want to touch on that
subject. It is because they want to keep pushing the narrative: “Men bad, women
good.”
Movies
and shows would make crude rape jokes at the expense of male victims, I talk
about this in my later chapters.
What
books talk about male victims? You would not find much in brick and mortar
stores. Online you would have to be actively looking for it.
On
social media, you would find many people always talking about female victims,
which is reasonable to talk about in fairness, but never speak a word about
male victims. They never talk about female perps, either.
Men
and boys get abused, SA, and raped in the military, in prison, in school, by a
family member, by religious leaders, by a partner, and more. As long as we
ignore this, rape against men and boys will continue to happen.
The
sexual abuse of children by adults is a horrific violation, a betrayal of trust
that leaves deep scars. Yet, when the victims are boys abused by older women or
girls exploited by men, our society often fails them further by downplaying the
abuse or even encouraging a disturbing narrative that this is something to be
fantasized about.
In
fact, there are men who think they can speak for boys and claim that all boys
10 - 17 are horny and want to screw their female teachers. This line of
thinking is unhinged and not even remotely true. It’s one of the reasons why
many boys who are violated don’t come out to report.
It is
never the fault of the child, and it is never something that should be
minimized or romanticized. The abuse of power, the violation of innocence, the
long-lasting trauma – these are the only constants in these heinous acts.
Society
has long perpetuated the dangerous myth that boys should be able to protect
themselves, that they somehow want or invite sexual attention from older women.
This is not only false but also damaging. It is victim-blaming, to boys feeling
ashamed and confused, to them struggling in silence with the trauma they have
endured. According to RAINN, men and boys who have been
sexually assaulted or abused may have many of the same feelings and reactions
as other survivors of sexual assault.
And
let's be clear about something else: the men who fantasize about being sexually
abused by older women as boys are part of the problem. They are perpetuating a
culture that downplays the abuse of boys, that refuses to acknowledge the harm
that has been done to them. They are making it harder for male survivors to
come forward, to seek help, to heal. As the National Sexual Violence Resource Center notes, when
it comes to sexual assault, abuse, and harassment, male survivors face unique
challenges.
We
need to call out and challenge this behavior whenever we see it. We need to
make it clear that sexual abuse is never something to be fantasized about,
never something to be taken lightly.
Above
all, it means remembering that every child who has been sexually abused
deserves our unwavering support and our commitment to creating a world where no
child is ever exploited again. A world where every survivor can find the
healing and justice they deserve. As MaleSurvivor notes, men sexually abused as
children or adults deserve access to free online resources, moderated
discussion forums, and therapy from specialists in trauma.
On
personal note, it makes me so furious how anyone can act like boys like to be
violated by older women, that their sexual fantasy of being violated as boys is
something to cheer on. It’s beyond nauseating. If I had a son (The same feeling
I would have if I had a daughter, in case anyone wonders) I would do everything
I can to bring the perp to justice, to make sure they can’t get away with this!
To hear about these men glorifying this and acting like it’s no big deal or
that it’s different from girls makes me so beyond furious that words don’t
describe just how!
1)
Oh but it’s so rare.
The
first and perhaps most damaging myth is that male rape is extremely rare. While
it is true that the majority of rape victims are female, with 91% of victims being women and 9% men according to the
National Sexual Violence Resource Center, this does not mean that male
victims are non-existent or that their experiences are any less valid.
Despite
the growing awareness of sexual violence in recent years, male survivors still
face significant barriers in accessing support and resources. While
organizations like RAINN and the National Sexual Assault Hotline provide
crucial services for all survivors, there is a need for more targeted outreach
and support for male victims (RAINN). MaleSurvivor is one organization
that specifically works to support men who have been sexually abused or
assaulted (MaleSurvivor).
2)
Talking about male victims of rape takes away the focus
on “real victims” aka women.
Talking
about male victims doesn’t take away female victim’s voices nor does it
downplay her experience. Both deserve to be heard and supported. There’s really
no reason neither can seek support and help that they can get.
It has
nothing to do with talking about his experience when she talks about hers,
which by the way is a matter of sharing and connecting not one-upmanship or
“stealing the spotlight,” but that he can’t openly talk about it anywhere.
In
fact, failing to acknowledge male victims of rape can actually reinforce the
very same harmful gender stereotypes that contribute to a culture of sexual
violence.
3)
He must have wanted it (if he had an erection or
ejaculated, it must mean he wanted it)
The
idea that an erection or ejaculation during a sexual assault means that a man
wanted or enjoyed the experience is a myth and it’s victim-blaming. This
misconception demonstrates a fundamental lack of understanding about human
biology and the nature of sexual response.
Physiological
responses like erections and ejaculation are automatic and involuntary, meaning
they can occur without a person's consent or desire. These responses are
triggered by physical stimulation, regardless of the context or the person's
feelings of fear, anxiety, or trauma. Men can experience erections in response
to a wide range of non-sexual stimuli, from riding a bicycle to experiencing
anxiety or fear. Morning erections are another common example of a
physiological response that occurs without any sexual arousal.
4)
He can finally understand how it feels for women who
had been raped.
Throughout
history, men have been raped just as much as women had been, this is not anything
new and to suggest that he “now understands” is repugnant. You’re suggesting
that an innocent man who did you no harm gets violated and you treat it like a
well deserved revenge.
This
is not only deeply victim-blaming, but it also implies that sexual violence
against men is somehow acceptable or necessary.
5)
He might become a rapist himself (vampire syndrome)
The
idea that a man who has been raped will go on to become a rapist himself is a
harmful and deeply offensive stereotype. This "vampire myth" suggests
that sexual victimhood somehow transforms a person into a predator, ignoring
the reality that the vast majority of survivors never commit sexual violence.
There
is no empirical evidence to support the claim that being a victim of sexual
assault increases a person's likelihood of becoming a perpetrator. According to
the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, most sexual assaults are
committed by people who have not been sexually victimized in the past.
6)
But it doesn’t count as rape because rape is
penetration.
The
idea that rape requires penetration ignores the full range of experiences of
sexual violence. While legal definitions of rape have traditionally focused on
penile-vaginal penetration, this does not mean that other forms of sexual
assault are any less serious or traumatic.
Being
forced to penetrate someone else is a deeply violating and traumatic experience
that can have long-lasting effects on a person's physical and emotional
well-being. It involves being coerced or forced into performing an act to which
one has not consented, often through threats, violence, or exploitation of a
vulnerable state. This is sexual assault, plain and simple, regardless of
whether penetration occurs.
7)
But he’s a man, he’s strong.
Sexual
violence is not about physical strength, but about power, control, and
domination. Rapists use a range of tactics to coerce and manipulate their
victims, from emotional manipulation to threats and physical force.
Being
physically strong does not make a person immune to sexual assault. A rapist may
use weapons, exploit a person's vulnerability, or employ tactics like surprise
or intimidation to overpower their victim. They may target people when they are
most vulnerable, such as when they are drunk, drugged, or in an isolated or
confined space. In these situations, physical strength is often irrelevant.
This
ignores the experiences of survivors who may not fit traditional norms of
physical strength. Boys and men with disabilities, elderly men, and those who
are smaller or less physically powerful are just as vulnerable to sexual
assault. They may face additional barriers in accessing support and justice, as
they are often disbelieved or marginalized even further.
8)
It’s not as serious as with women.
Rape
is a profoundly traumatic and serious crime, regardless of the gender of the
victim. It involves the violation of a person's bodily autonomy and dignity,
and can have long-lasting effects on their physical and emotional well-being.
Whether
the victim is a man, woman, or non-binary person, the experience of being
sexually assaulted is deeply violating and traumatic.
By
suggesting that sexual assault is less serious when the victim is a man, we
minimize and invalidate the experiences of male survivors.
9)
Little boys can’t be raped.
The
idea that boys cannot be sexually victimized is a deeply harmful and false
myth. Sexual violence can affect people of any age or gender, and boys and men
are just as capable of being victims as girls and women. This includes being
sexually abused or assaulted by adult women, such as teachers, mothers, or
other figures of trust.
Female
perpetrators can use tactics like coercion, manipulation, and exploitation of
trust to sexually abuse boys and men. These experiences can be just as
traumatic and violating as those perpetrated by men, and can have long-lasting
effects on the survivor's well-being.
A
significant barrier to recognizing male victimhood is the double standard
applied to sexual misconduct by teachers. When a female teacher engages in
sexual activities with a male student, it's often romanticized or downplayed,
whereas a similar act by a male teacher against a female student is rightfully
condemned as sexual abuse. This disparity in perception was highlighted in a
2023 news article about multiple female teachers arrested for sexual misconduct
with students [1].
The
public's response to such cases demonstrates a troubling tendency to blame the
victim or imply consent, with comments like "the boy must have wanted
it" or "that's a fantasy come true." However, the law clearly
defines such acts as statutory rape, acknowledging that a minor cannot legally
consent to sexual activity with an adult in a position of authority.
Beyond
the educational setting, boys are frequently targeted by individuals they
trust. According to RAINN, males are most likely to experience sexual assault
at the hands of family members, with biological parents, siblings, and extended
relatives being common perpetrators [2].
Even
institutions meant to provide safety and guidance, such as churches and
schools, can become sites of abuse. It's crucial to recognize that sexual
predators often hold positions of trust and authority, allowing them to exploit
their power over victims.
As
boys grow into men, they remain vulnerable to sexual assault. The military has
faced scrutiny for its handling of sexual assaults within the ranks, with male
service members frequently targeted by their comrades [3].
Similarly,
correctional facilities are notorious for inmate-on-inmate sexual violence,
with men often fearing retaliation for reporting their experiences. In the
civilian world, sexual assault can occur in intimate relationships, at
workplaces, or in social settings involving alcohol, such as parties or dating
encounters.
The
first step in addressing this issue is to create a culture where male survivors
feel safe to disclose their experiences without fear of judgment, disbelief, or
emasculation. Organizations like 1in6 and MaleSurvivor provide invaluable
resources and support groups specifically for male survivors, acknowledging
their unique challenges in healing [4, 5].
Counseling
centers also offer specialized services for male survivors, emphasizing the
importance of seeking professional help [6].
Through
education, empowerment, and empathy, we can break down the barriers that have
silenced male survivors for too long.
References:
[1] https://nypost.com/2023/04/14/6-female-teachers-arrested-for-sex-misconduct-with-students/
[2] https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys
[3] https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2019/09/10/us/men-military-sexual-assault.html
[6] https://counselingcenter.utk.edu/for-male-survivors-of-sexual-assault/
Chapter 5
On being Raped
Before I found this
book, "On Being Raped" by Raymond M. Douglass, I was trying to
research male victims of rape. However, I wasn't having much luck. I stumbled
upon this book in Elliot Bay Book Co. in Seattle, WA, and it was almost as if
someone had intentionally hidden it between two larger books. I decided to
purchase it, curious about its content and unsure if I would ever encounter it
again.
On Being Raped by Raymond
M. Douglass: A Powerful Exposé of Male Rape
In a society that still
perpetuates the harmful stereotype that men cannot be victims of rape, Raymond
M. Douglass's "On Being Raped" is a crucial read. Douglass shares his
personal experience of being raped, shedding light on the trauma and misconceptions
surrounding male sexual assault.
One of the most poignant
aspects of the book is Douglass's discussion of the unrealistic expectations
placed on male rape victims. Society often assumes that a "real" male
rape victim must be assaulted by multiple attackers, fight back vigorously, suffer
severe injuries, and never experience an erection or ejaculation. If he's gay,
he must have wanted it. If he's in prison, his rape doesn't count. And he
should be able to immediately forget the trauma and move on. These harmful
stereotypes silence male victims and prevent them from seeking help.
Douglass emphasizes that
rape does not literally feminize men. They will continue to live as men in a
society structured around gender. He also stresses that physiological responses
to sexual assault, such as erection or orgasm, do not indicate consent or
enjoyment. The body reacts to stimulation, regardless of the traumatic nature
of the act. Rapists may exploit this to confuse their victims.
The book challenges the
harmful belief that rape only happens to women and that men are always
perpetrators. Douglass notes that even if male victims feel emasculated, it
stems from societal expectations of male toughness, not from the assault
itself. Rape does not lessen a man's masculinity.
The effects of rape on
men are similar to those on women: avoidance of triggers, aversion to touch,
vivid and frequent nightmares. Yet, Douglass faced dismissal and invalidation
from people in his life. Counselors even asked if he was sexually assaulting
others, implying that male victims become perpetrators. Some suggested he
needed to "come to terms with his homosexuality," as if being raped
by a man conclusively proved his sexual orientation.
Douglass writes,
"Rape victims are not 'broken' individuals who need fixing or sick persons
in need of healing. They are hurt women and men who need compassion in the face
of grievous misfortune. Some of them won't get over it, no matter how hard they
try. I don't know what compelling reasons exist to make them feel that they
have to."
I strongly recommend
"On Being Raped" to anyone who wants to understand the reality of
male sexual victimization. It's a powerful call to action to challenge harmful
stereotypes and provide support for male survivors of sexual assault.
Here I want to show the
list from his book on what some people expect when it comes to male victims of
rape. To be an actual victim of rape, he must be;
1) be
assailed by many assailants, not one. (because a man is so strong, there's no
way he could possibly be assaulted by one person)
Rape is not always
physical violence, and often times a victim would be in a situation where they
would not expect it or freeze or was threatened with a weapon, be drugged, or
coerced, or blackmailed and more.
2) he
must resist and be beaten half to death. (because a rape isn't a rape unless he
is bleeding and cut and bruised everywhere)
two problems with this.
One is that the idea a man has to fight tooth and nail to avoid the assault.
Second was that rape isn’t always physical violence. It still counts as rape
even when you’re not bruised head to toe.
3) he
must not be having any willingness on his part from his assailant (oral or
Anal) (Because after all, trying to survive means you wanted it)
If I give you tea and you
didn’t want it. I punch you and demand you to drink it. You still didn’t want
it. So I beat you and threaten you. You drink the tea out of FEAR, not
willingness. Just because someone does something their rapist tells them doesn’t
mean they are willing. Those who didn’t fight back or just tolerated it are not
willing participants and it doesn’t make it not rape. There’s a lot of factors
that go into this; confusion, freezing, hopelessness (like this been an ongoing
assault) and more.
4) Must
be straight (because gay men always wanted to be raped)
It’s homophobic to assume
that gay men always wanted sex, just as it’s misandrist to assume that men in
general always want sex too. Whether the victim is gay or straight, it’s still
rape and still just as valid as any female victim of rape. Implying that a man
violated by another man makes him gay leaves a negative connotation due to
cultural bias against gays and it also makes him unable to disclose his trauma.
5) he
must not be in prison (because male inmates who are raped don't matter)
We hear all too often of
rape jokes in movies and tv shows, so people never look at the victims of rape
in prison seriously and think it’s funny or deserving because they were
inmates. Never mind that they could be innocent or their crime was a minor crime.
No one deserves to be raped in prison (Or anywhere for that matter). and what
is worse is that people working in those departments don’t care and don’t think
it’s worth doing anything to stop it. Whether a man is raped in prison or not,
it still matters and they still deserve to be heard and supported.
6) no
involuntary physiological reactions; no erection or ejaculation. (Because if
you have a hard on, you must have wanted it.)
People forget that body
response to stimuli, having an erection is not a sign of consent or willingness
or enjoyment. Female victims get wet, but it doesn’t mean she enjoyed it
either. What is sad and troubling was that in those cases when it does happen
it makes the victim feel like their body “betrayed them.” But it didn’t.
they’re not at fault and they are not asking for it or enjoying it.
7) Afterwards,
he must go about his business like nothing happened and never speak of it
again. (after all, society doesn't want to acknowledge men.)
Society expects men to be
stoic, never fearing anything or expressing anything of an emotion and never
talking about anything he went through. This needs to change. We shouldn’t
silence male victims and we should be supporting and doing something to end this.
Here are things that are
myths written in Men too: Unspoken truth about sexual abuse that I’ve also been
reading. It’s also another read that I strongly recommend as well.
1. That
you are alone or that no one would believe you.
2. That
you are the only male that has ever been abused by a family member, teacher,
pastor, police officer, fellow prisoner, and so on.
3. That
you asked for it, invited it or are responsible for it happening.
4. That
having an erection or ejaculating means you consented or enjoyed being abused.
5. That
even thought you were young, you were mature enough to consent to sexual
behaviors.
6. That
it was your job to fight harder or stop it.
7. That
“real men” never turn down sex
8. That
you are to blame for the continuation of abuse
9. That
it’s not ok to talk about your thoughts, emotions or your abuse
10. That your
abuse determined your sexual orientation or “made” you gay.
1^: Douglass, R. M.
(1980). On being raped. New York: New American Library. (p. 7)
Chapter 6
Male victims of sexual
assaults for laughs
The depiction of sexual
violence against men in media is a common theme which people poke fun of them
and make light of it rather than seeing it as a serious issue.
While it is
well-established that sexual violence is a serious issue that affects all
genders, the ways in which it is portrayed in film and television can have a
significant impact on societal attitudes and the experiences of survivors.
Unfortunately, many examples of male characters facing sexual violence or
threats thereof in popular culture rely on harmful stereotypes and are often
played for laughs.
In films like
"Guardians of the Galaxy," "Deadpool 2," and "2 Fast 2
Furious," male characters are threatened with sexual violence in a manner
that is clearly intended to be humorous. These scenes contribute to a culture
in which the sexual victimization of men is not taken seriously and is instead
mocked.
Television shows like
"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," “Robot Chicken,” “Rick and
Morty,” "Family Guy," and "South Park" have repeatedly used
sexual violence against male characters as a comedic device. The use of sexual
assault as a punchline can make it more difficult for survivors to come forward
and can perpetuate harmful attitudes towards those who have experienced sexual
violence.
The film "Get
Hard" provides a particularly egregious example of how sexual violence
against men is often depicted in media. The movie's plot centers around a
wealthy businessman who hires a man to prepare him for prison after he is
convicted of fraud. The threat of sexual violence in prison is a constant theme
throughout the film, with the character played by Kevin Hart repeatedly
describing the sexual assaults that the main character will supposedly face.
These scenes are clearly intended to be humorous, but they contribute to
harmful stereotypes about incarceration and sexual violence. The film's
depiction of sexual violence as something that is inevitable in prison and that
can only be avoided through violence or manipulation is deeply problematic.
It is essential that
media creators take responsibility for the impact of their work and strive to
depict sexual violence in a manner that is respectful and does not contribute
to harmful stereotypes.
There are over hundreds
of films and shows that show men being sexually assaulted for laughs. I’ll just
list a few rather than bog this down with each individual ones.
1. Guardians
of the galaxy (2014)
Gunavian inmate:
"Check out the new meat. I'm going to slather you up in gunavian jelly
(laughs) go to town" he brushes his gigantic fingers across his
face.
You have a movie that has
an inmate threatening to rape a male main protagonist.
2. Deadpool
2 (2018)
"This doesn't end
with us riding into the sunset. it ends with me dying of cancer and you winning
the icebox award for softest mouth."
some mutants fighting,
ending up ripping Juggernaut's pants at the butt open, and then having
something shoved up his ass.
3. 2 fast 2
furious 2003
"Don't drop the
soap, big homie."
4. Iron man 2
(2010)
"Where will you be
watching the world consume me from? that's right, a prison cell. I'll send you
a bar of soap."
5. Sausage party
(2016)
"Relax, and open
wide." something crawls into his pants. "Wa...was...what are you
doing? Dude! That went up my ass!"
A family show... where
they make rape jokes for the whole family including the kids! It's hilarious,
right?! Hey kids, how about a joke about men getting raped?
6. It's always
sunny in Philadephia (2010)
Danny devito's character,
"As soon as you drop the soap, they rape your butt. That's what
happens."
Yes, we need to make
disgusting rape jokes. They have no shame.
It's always sunny in
Phildalephia (2005)
"Pin me down and I
try to fight you, you come inside me, you fill me up..."
Yes, sing more songs
about being raped, because male victims of rape should be made into comedy
instead of being taken seriously.
7. Family guy.
(2011)
Family guy has a lot of
male rape jokes and male sexual assault quite often and it ridicules male
victims.
For instance: Peter is
trying to get away from a "vapor" that is grabbing peter and
violating him.
Family guy (2005)
"No. Jake, not like
this!" Peter screams as Jake rapes him.
8. Conan (2014)
Conan, "Bieber was
briefly jailed early this morning, and police report described him as 5'9"
and 140 pounds, or as his cellmate puts it, 'just right.'"
Andy: You
know..."
Conan, "He's like a
bite-sized snickers."
Andy, "Fun
sized."
9. Get Hard
(2015)
"Hands against the
prison wall, choking on a mouthful of balls."
"There's 100% chance
you're going to be somebody's bitch. (Grunting. using his hands to stimulate
pounding) You know what that is? That's a big ass black man on your pale white
ass. You: No, I don't want anymore. stop. that's enough. too late. He done tag
the next guy in."
James, looking stupidly
pathetic, "Hey listen up everyone. I'm extremely sad. please don't
sexually assault me. I'm already too sad."
10. rick
and morty (2014)
"Rick and morty go
to giant prison. you know if somebody drops the soap It's going to land on our
heads and crush out spines, morty. You know, it'll be real easy to rape us
after that."
11. South Park
(2008)
Steven Spielberg and
Geroge Lucas raping Harrison ford.
12. The Cleveland
Show (2013)
"What, do you
collect vaseline? oh."
Why yes, because we need
to keep laughing at men getting raped, Cleveland.
Also, Cleveland dressed
as a woman with makeup, "I'm uh... never going to be the same."
No, when some trauma
occurs, it doesn't make you less of a man.
13. Brickleberry
(2013)
A cartoon of an inmate
going to rape a smaller inmate, "Ok. Let's do it." and takes off his
clothes.
14. Paddington
(2014)
Paddington "Of
course it will, you look very pretty. That's what they say in jail."
This is for kids, folks!
They are telling your kids that prison is where they rape you!
15. the Powerpuff
girls (2000)
jojo villain in jail with
a giant inmate. "Love is in the air. Can't you just smell it?"
Yes, we need to make
disgusting rape jokes for kids to see and hear about.
16. The amazing
world of gumball (2013)
"Did you see what
that bear just did to that guy's cherry?"
Hey kids, did you want to
see a man be violated for laughs?! Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!
28. Puss in boots
(2011)
"You got any idea
what they do to eggs in San Ricardo prison? It ain't over easy."
How raucously hilarious.
Good for family entertainment!
29. That 70's
show (2000)
Kelso, "Hey guys, do
you think he's anyone's girlfriend yet?"
Fez, "Kelso, he's
been in jail for 3 hours. Of course he's someone's girlfriend."
30. Wedding Crashers (2005)
A scene with Vance's
character getting molested by a guy. Basically painting gay men as creepy
predators. Not just mocking male victims but also full of homophobia.
There's a scene where a
girl was sexually assaulting the guy under the table, he was not wanting this
but she refused to stop.
31. Spongebob
squarepants (2001)
Oh yes, a loveable show
for kids with SpongeBob telling his pet snail "Doubleoons... don't drop
them."
32. Malcolm
in the Middle (2003)
"So I got me a
volunteer, huh? Well, let me tell you cupcakes what your first day up in here
gonna be like! And don't expect no flowers afterward."
The biggest problem with
all these rape and sexual assaults in the media is that 1) No one takes male
victims seriously. 2) Gays are portrayed as predatory. 3) Blacks are rapists,
big gigantic rapists. 4) It's totally ok to threaten little boys with rape. 5)
Making rape jokes in kids shows and family shows is a-okay for some reason. 6)
Trying to make criminal justice seem like this is ok is not. It's nothing but
childish and petty revenge not to mention ignoring that a lot of people who go
to prison either committed minor crimes like possessing weed or are innocent of
a crime they didn't commit. 7) Any attempt to justify this by saying it's about
breaking taboo is a farce. It was nothing more than cheap laughs and ridicule
of male victims, never about raising awareness or trying to reduce rape that
occurs to men.
Comments
Post a Comment